K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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