Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
