Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
