ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
