I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
