the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
