her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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