ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
