She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
