I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
