just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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