Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
