Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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