I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
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So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
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I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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