god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
