Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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