before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
