Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
