Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
