Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
