vagina is talking i cant
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
