Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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