I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
