Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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