whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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