I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
