i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
