i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
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