ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
