so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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