If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
