There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
