Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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