You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
