He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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