I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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