Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
