im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
