My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
