so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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