the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
