and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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