My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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