I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Im part way to drunk.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
