you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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