when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
