I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
