I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize