I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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