i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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