Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
