Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
