he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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