That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
