I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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