Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
