Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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