the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
