last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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